"If man, as the existentialist conceives him, is indefinable, it is because at first he is nothing. Only afterward will he be something, and he himself will have made what he will be". - Sartre
Well, I'm making nothing. That's what I feel like, at least right now. I've feel like I've wasted my life, making bad decision after bad decision ending up a shell of a person barely useful as even a statistic.
I relive my past too much, playing the mistakes over and over in my head, wishing to go in the past and start over from a multiple of points. I can't let go of that desire to time travel even though I know it is impossible.
So, my current goal of working in a medical field just seems so meaningless. Help people fulfill their worthless lives as well? Education occupies my mind like a hobby, my own personal opiate.
I think that even if I found a cure for cancer, I would feel my life meaningless. Feeling the oppression of time, life seems too fleeting to make an impact and feel it.
My latest fantasy is organizing a grassroots organization to start a statewide initiative requiring a mandatory amount of vacation time. I'm sick of dealing to Germans with their 20 days off, when I only got 5 days after working for a year. Of course I never had time to ponder the meaning of existence, I need a vacation. Of course, I'm always too poor to do anything when I do get vacation time.
Advice, anyone?
One thing I know for sure. I need sleeping pills. This always hits me when I'm trying to go to sleep.
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