Unnatural Mediocrity: How Much I Hate the New Cat

Ralph is a pain in the ass.

1. He likes to scurry onto your shoulder and bite your ears. Not soft and cute, but hard like little nails piercing your lobes. When you move him down, he scurries back up.

2. When you are in the kitchen he meows constantly. I don't like beggars.

3. He attacks my feet when I go to sleep. Greg removed him from my legs one night and he ran right back. I have to sleep with the door closed now. Greg says that Ralph never does that to him and that Ralph must like me. Yay for me.

4. When I am eating, he constantly tries to eat my food. I put him down, he runs back up. I put him down again, he runs back up again. He doesn't take a hint.

5. He follows me around a lot and is constantly underfoot. Greg says that he doesn't do that to him and therefore again must like me. Again, yay for me.

6. He has discovered these empty spaces in the corner between the cupboards. You can only get there by being a kitten that can crawl up under the cupboards by the baseboards. It's creepy, I don't like to think of what is in there. He disappeared in one once and didn't come out for a minute. I have since blocked them.

7. He likes to sit on the keyboard when I am typing. Oh no, here he comes now. Let's see what happens. OK, he smelled my fingers and now is watching them intently as he lays on my stomach purring. OK, I have a tummy on me, but I am kind of laying back now, so it is not like I have a cat shelf on me or anything. Uh oh, he is moving and now is resting his head on my fingers as I type. Some say that is cute, but I don't like my routine interrupted. I'm very obsessive-compulsive that way.

He's a little kitten from hell and he scratched the hell out of my leg the other day when he tried to jump onto me from the coffee table. I don't care if what he does is intentional or not. I just don't like what he does. Does that make me bad? The answer you are looking for is "no".

mkhobson
2004-09-21 11:45 pm (local) (link)

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Having a cat love you is the worst thing in the world. People get cats because they want to be left alone. Cats are supposed to be independent and not care if you live or die. A cat that degrades itself with lovey-dovey behavior can only attract scorn.

I speak from experience. We've had a cat "adopt" us, and I am apparently the equivalent of human catnip to him. He thinks I'm fabulous. Which means that he always wants to be right up in my face, on my chest, or under my ankles. He pees on MY laundry (only my laundry) and will sit and yowl at me constantly anytime I am not actively petting him.

I am somewhat flattered by the fact that I am his special favorite. Sometimes I have the strange notion that he's someone from a past life and I should be nicer to him. But I despise him. Like you, I hate beggars. Especially emotional beggars. The more affection one demands from me, the more I feel like withholding it.

Perverse, ne?

M

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tuber_x
2004-09-23 10:17 am (local) (link)

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Not perverse at all. You withhold emotion with the hopes that they will one day give up and stop begging or start begging someone else. That is my rational anyway. Ralph attacked me again in the night. Well, my feet anyway. I thought I would let him continue and he would get bored, but he didn't. He just started to bite hard through the sheets.

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g_eats
2004-09-23 03:46 am (local) (link)

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OH MY!! Well aren't you two just plethora of kindness.... perhaps the two of you should live in a box made out of cinder block then nobody would ever bother you. You would not have to have any contact what so ever. Living life a life of quiet misery. I for one am glad that I shall one day live in the special heaven (the one for grandma's and people who save kittens). It sounds like a nice place where I can love and be loved, by kittens, cats and maybe even puppies. I bet they have fireworks and chocolate and bunnies and cotton candy. Meanwhile, the two of you can rest in your box listening to the sound of a single drop of water, as it plunks continually for a millenia. My the egyptian gods have mercy on your souls!!!

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