Land of Buffets

I hate buffets. They are orgies of second-rate, poorly prepared food attended by the fat, the poor, and the "family-heavy". That sounds like I'm being snobby, but I fall into two categories myself.

The exception to bad buffets are the "gourmet" buffets in town which are expensive, but delicious.

Alas, we got a 2-for-1 buffet coupon at our local "Texas Station" Casino. Reluctantly, I went. This particular buffet is aptly named "Feast". On the way there, I kept saying, "What is this 'The Feast'?" I was disappointed to learn that it is simply called "Feast" as Greg pointed out. Of course, there is no easy way to get to "Feast" in the casino. You must wander through the maze of table games and slot machines and observe the happy gamblers as you go. By "happy", I mean "intent" and by "gamblers", I mean "old people with oxygen tanks".

We arrived at "Feast" and were greeted with a Disneyland-esque, snaking-line formed by shiny brass rails. Luckily, it was only half as long as it could be and we made it through within 10 minutes.

"Feast" has food from "around the world". OK...OK the actual name of the place is "Feast From Around the World." I prefer to call it just "Feast". By "around the world", they mean America, China, Mexico, and Italy. I guess that really does represent the world in its entirety. They left out Kazakhstan, but who likes food from there. Also, they have a section named "Salad Bar", so they have America, China, Mexico, Italy, and Salad Bar...oh and Dessert.

I started my adventure with Mexico. Apparently, potato skins are a mexican food. I took one with some sour cream. I also took one of the in-vogue taquitos. When I was growing up, I don't think I ever even heard of a taquito and now they are everywhere. What is the next mexican food craze going to be? I wonder.

At Italy, they had pasta and pizza. I took a piece of pepperoni pizza. The pasta was premixed with the sauce. I don't know why, but pasta premixed with the sauce can only mean one thing, Chef Boyardee. Nothing against the fine culinary skills of Chef Boyardee, but Chef Boyardee and raw conch are the only two foods that actually make me vomit when I taste them. Conch just tastes horrible with a horrible texture. It's like eating someone's tongue that has been soaking in sea water at low tide. I know you think it is mean of me to describe it, but I'm the one who ate it while trying to be polite in front of the people who bought it for me. I tried to swallow it, but kept vomiting it up back up into my mouth. I kept hoping no one noticed me turning pale and having tears stream down my face. Definitely, it was one of my worst food experiences. Another bad food experience was with Chef Boyardee. In third grade, we were working on paper mache when the girl sitting next to me vomited. Mixed with the art project paste, it smelled of sweet and sour bile. When I asked her what she ate, she said Chef Boyardee and pickle juice. No wonder she vomited. Now I vomit, too.

I skipped America where they had corn-on-the-cob, corn bread, and other corn products. I got some of the chicken-fried-rice from china along with some chicken chow mein and a chicken egg roll. Greg got some lemon chicken. They also had some sort of chinese bbq chicken too. I guess they really like chicken in China. They like chicken in Mexico, too. It turned out that my taquito was a disappointment in that it was chicken as well. Maybe they don't like chicken that much, but the casino sure does like chicken for its price.

The worst thing by far was the rice. It was cooked perfectly, but was the worst tasting rice ever. Greg had the spanish rice and he asked if it tasted sour. "No little Greg, it is just the cheapest rice they could find. Cheap and bad." Skimping on rice, how cheap is that?

The next two lands I visited were Salad Bar and Dessert. I got a salad and some dessert, both were OK.

I feel like I need to get my money's worth or get away with as much as I can. Basically, once you pay admission, it's free. The two problems are that I don't like the food and I don't like to feel really full. I'm perfectly happy with a similarly-priced hamburger or even a cheaper taco. I don't feel hungry afterward and I don't feel like a bloated pig either.

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(10 comments) - (Post a new comment)

g_eats 2004-08-27 02:44 am (local) (link) Select BAH! Okay, I admit the food is not the best and there are too many children. I however, am not bothered by fat people being one myself. As to "getting your moneys worth" I can only say the total was nine dollars for the both of us, so that comes out to four dollars and fifty cents..you did not have to eat too much to "get your moneys worth". After careful review of your post I have made a realization you don't like to go to buffets because you just stuff yourself. Just beause it is all you can eat does not mean you have to eat so much you feel poorly afterwards =P . Who is the "little" Greg by the way? (Reply to this) (Thread)

tuber_x 2004-08-27 07:37 am (local) (link) Select No, the real reason why I don't like buffets is not because of my peers that attend. It is not the low, low rates for admitance. I did not feel like I had to "get my moneys worth". The real reason is that the food was just horrible. Everything was so sub-standard. It was like eating out of a pig trough. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

g_eats 2004-08-28 01:59 am (local) (link) Select Who is my little piggy? (Reply to this) (Parent)

mkhobson 2004-08-27 04:38 am (local) (link) Select This post made me laugh out loud. I could just say "LOL" but I refuse to use stupid Internet acronyms. Except OAO, which I made up myself and I've never seen anyone else use. If you've ever seen anyone else use it, please keep that information to yourself because I don't want to have it ruined for me. I have never had conch, and I never will, now. Personally, I am two of the three things you mentioned (and soon to be the third) so I go to buffets a lot myself. Casino buffets are usually better than free-standing buffet restaurants. The worst buffets are Chinese Food buffets. They're always horrible, though I have found one in Portland where the food is actually quite good. My favorite buffet restaurant by far is Sweet Tomatoes. Because their food is healthy and good, and if you overeat, you overeat on salad and soup, which is better than overeating on sugar fried biscuits, mashed potatoes and gravy, and sleazy Prime Rib. M (Reply to this) (Thread)

tuber_x 2004-08-27 07:51 am (local) (link) Select OK, what is OAO? I think I have seen you use it before. I just figured I was an idiot for not knowing it. I have had some bad experiences at Sweet Tomatoes and have since blocked it from memory. I do like the cheap cousin of Sweet Tomatoes, Souper Salad. It is smaller and less hectic. I don't think of that as buffets. I think of it as a salad bar. I forgot to mention the 500 lb people in my post. OK, there weren't any last night, but sometimes there are. (In Utah, there always was). If you are 500 lbs., the last thing you need is a buffet. It is not only bad, but I would think it would be embarrassing. I feel for morbidly obese people, but they should know that the buffet is off limits. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

mkhobson 2004-08-27 09:30 am (local) (link) Select OAO = Over and Out. Now I gotta go. More later. P.S. If you're 500 lbs, perhaps a buffet is all you have. M (Reply to this) (Parent)

mkhobson 2004-08-27 02:25 pm (local) (link) Select OK, so I went and had dinner at Sweet Tomatoes tonight, just because you made me think of it. How could you have a bad experience there? It's all healthful sweetness and light. And the Won-Ton Chicken Salad is really top-notch. When you refer to the cheap cousin of Sweet Tomatoes, do you mean Souplantation? I've never been to a Souplantation, but I've seen ads for Souplantation on the side of Sweet Tomatoes' trucks, and I thought, wow, Souplantation is about the worst name for a restaurant I've ever heard, but it does stick with you because it's so horrible. It doesn't even make sense! Who thought that the concepts of "soup" and "plantation" went together? M (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tuber_x 2004-08-27 07:53 pm (local) (link) Select No, there is a chain in Utah called "Souper Salad". My bad experiences with Sweet Tomatoes also came from Utah. As you may or may not know, in Utah, the more children you have, the closer you are to god. (By the way, I know I don't capitalize "god" or "he" when referring to him). So in Utah, people are really, really close to god and they take their 8 bundles of joy to Sweet Tomatoes. Those precious little cherubs have so much energy. It is sooooo cute the way they all run around, screaming. They sure do like to pick the food up with their snotty fingers, even pudding. There is no need to discipline god's children either, because they are righteous. Having a lot of children in Utah is a religious statement. What better place than Sweet Tomatoes to let the statement run free and wild? I had a problem reading the name Souplantation. I still do. When I first glance at it, I see Soul-Plantation. Soul-Plantation is also a horrible name for a restaurant if you think about it. Souplantation is equally horrible. You have "Soup" and then "lantation". I don't like it, but it reminds me of when I used to beat some slaves and then Ma would cook me up a bowl of hearty soup, make a salad with my choice of tempting dressings, and lay out a scrumptious offering of freshly-baked breads and desserts. (Reply to this) (Parent)

hazelwindows 2005-05-11 10:10 am (local) (link) Select I have laughed so hard. So hard! The post was funny but the running commentary? Lord help Utah. Man. I need to get back. Where is the entry I was originally reading...